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Pre Writing
Aiea Elementary, Aiea, Hawaii
Teachers: LynneSueoka
Aloha all :)
Aiea Elementary School has just completed their field trip to their site, the Aloha Stadium. Come see photos of us, hard at work collecting the details that will help you see our community "through our eyes."
http://www.aiea.k12.hi.us/enrich99-00/toe.html
Aloha from Aiea...
Here are several steps in our composing process--still working toward the
final essay :)
What follows are examples of our raw material (observations)
Our organization and rubric brainstorming
And some examples of how we are working to revise our details...
We're learning *a lot* from the sharing that's happening on the listserv
:)
Here's the same stuff on our website ;)
http://www.aiea.k12.hi.us/enrich99-00/toe.php3
Lynne Sueoka and the AES Aloha Stadium Bunch :)
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Original detail list -- Swap Meet
old lady with a white tee shirt was selling tee shirts with fishes like humuhumu etc
seller makes her own products
backpacks -- Hawaiian print, wasit pack, leather pack, nylon
ukuleles, drums, and ipus made our of wood, gourds, and cloth
different colored sunglasses and different colored people
little hula dancing doll had a green hula skirt, flower lei, cocnut bra
rusted old weights holding down tents look like 45 pounds hanging on a rope
shiny jewelry
we heard radio, clanking of tents being put up, people talking, and cars on the highway
jumpers with butterfly designs in blue, black, green
carved wooden Tiki masks
trees so thick that when it rains you stay under them and you don't get wet
beautiful bolts of cotton fabric in Hawaiian and Samoan prints in earth tones of amber, forest grees and tropical bright pink, baby blue
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Rubric:
Describe where we live
What we do in our place
Why, where
Sense of place--our community that surrounds us, our special place
a successful TOE essay should have
sensory detail
vivid details
figurative language (simile, metaphor, personification)
selectvitiy of details, effective details
coherence
sentences need to be unified
transitions/organizations
overall impression, unified
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SubTopics
football game
swap meet
fairs
Organization
importance: least --> most important
spatial: inside--outside
people: if different groups are in the majority at the three events (i.e. swap
meet--tourists/old people; football--teens, young people; fair--families, teens)
time: seasons, day
football: Chris, Mac, Jarred, Casandra, Jeannelyn, Palani, Aren
swap meet: Keala, Chasity, Nuu
carnival/fair: Sean, Melissa, Jane, Mabel, Tahsa, Jasmine, Chaisty M., Annie
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detail critique and revision
blasting--good
clanking--good
sounds of the highway--traffic jam, rush hour, horns
horns--honking, beeping, blaring
tires screeching
trucks with smokwstacks steaming
cars whizzing by
carnival food:
pizza
candy apples
cotton candy
candy apples: sweet, sticky caramel apples taste juicy and stick to your teeth
cotton candy: looks like cotton, melts in your mouth, blue, pink, purple, fluffy, soft, cushiony
Blue, pink, and purple clouds of cotton candy melt in your mouth.
Click on the Eye to return to the Through Our
Eyes home page.
